Did you know that violence perpetrated between married couples is estimated to occur in around 25 percent of homes in the United States?  Did you know that violence between married couples is more prevalent in those families with children?  About 15.5 million children in our nation are witnessing the emotional, physical, or verbal abuse of one of their parents.  (McDonald, Jouriles, Ramisetty-Mikler, Caetano,  & Green , 2006).

Who are these children and why is it so hard to know who is suffering?

One might guess that it has to do with the fact that we simply don’t want to acknowledge the ugly truth of this kind of suffering.  So we collectively avoid looking at the signs that a child is in pain.  It might be that the child has already begun the process of internalizing the problem and shows no distress signs at all.   Or in some cases a child has learned to externalize the problem becoming agressive and redirecting the focus upon himself.

Still another reason is that some children are simply resilient.   They possess an ability to “bounce back” from life’s emotional traumas without making much of a fuss.

We all know adults who experienced ordeals in childhood that would make one pursue a life of crime or drug addiction.  These people however, seem to have beaten the odds.  Take for example the life of the hugely successful Hollywood actress, Drew Barrymore.  During her formative years, she had a mother who seemed more interested in the Hollywood nightlife than parenting her little girl.  Further adding to the parenting deficit was the fact that Miss Barrymore’s father was mostly absent during her young years.   There are the astounding stories of people like Oprah Winfrey who was sexually molested as a child, and Ernie Vechio a noted psychologist who withstood abuse at the hands of his sadistic mother and a number of foster home placements where he suffered further abuse. Both Vechio and Winfrey are shining examples of the vibrant life that awaits the resilient.   This is just a small sample of inspiring “resilience models”.  You may even place yourself in this category.   

What makes a person Resilient? 

What ensures that a child who witnesses his mother being verbally assaulted will go forth in life to make friends and have a high degree of social understanding?  What is it that allows a child to grow strong in the knowledge of her own self-worth when her mother is bruised and worried?

The answer is resilience; a personal quality that develops as a result of learning that despite a painful experience, the world can be a loving and joyful place.  Children who learn resilience are those who are exposed to risk factors that would typically lead to poor emotional outcomes but who, at the same time, have one person to act as a buffer between them and the cruel world that is their reality.    

 Protecting the Emotional Life of the Child

In situations where there is no buffer, young children suffer externalizing and/or internalizing problems.  They, in effect, shut down emotionally and become withdrawn or they become overly reactive to the even slightest social offense. 

In a study published in Violence and Victims this March, Kathryn H.  Howell found that one of the determining factors in preventing deleterious outcomes for children who witness parental abuse was the mother’s mental health.  Howell’s study consisted of interviewing 56 women with children between ages 4-6 and administering a series of clinical diagnostic measures.  What she found would seem rather obvious:  “a more positive parent-child attachment” would be one of the most significant predictors of the child’s healthy outcomes. 

“…mothers with fewer mental health problems, who may be better able to maintain a positive parent-child attachment, may be better equipped to support their children in mastering developmental tasks, including emotion regulation and prosocial skill development.” 

What Howell’s study seems to suggest is that if you are in a violent situation, be it emotional abuse, verbal or physical, you are contributing to the emotional downfall of your child.  The path taken at this point will affect so many other areas of your child’s life from social skill building to academic achievement. 

Put bluntly: your child needs YOU.  And the only way to give your child what he or she needs is to take care of you.  Find the help you need to regain your strength so that you can be that buffer for the raw reality of dehumanization that your child encounters while living this drama with you. 

As Howell puts it,  “parenting and maternal mental health [are] highly relevant factors predicting resilience.”

If you need help,  contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

http://www.ndvh.org/

References:

Howell, K., Graham-Bermann, S., Czyz, E., & Lilly, M.. (2010). Assessing Resilience in Preschool Children Exposed to Intimate Partner Violence. Violence and Victims, 25(2), 150-164

McDonald, R., Jouriles, E. N., Ramisetty-Mikler, S., Caetano, R., & Green, C. E. (2006). Estimating the number of American children living in partner-violent families. Journal of Family Psychology , 20, 137 - 142 .